Golfers
A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a
couple of strokes. ‘Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,’ the
golfer mumbled to himself. Just then, a stranger walked up beside him
and whispered, ‘Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex
life?’
Thinking the man was crazy and his answer would be meaningless, the
golfer also felt that maybe this was a good omen so he said, ‘Sure,’
and promptly sank the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbled to himself again, ‘Gee, I sure would like
to get an eagle on this one.’ The same stranger was at his side again
and whispered, ‘Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?’
Shrugging, the golfer replied, ‘Okay.’ And he made an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needed another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moved to his
side and said, ‘Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest
of your sex life?’ Definitely,’ the golfer replied, and he made the eagle.
As the golfer was walking to the club house, the stranger walked
alongside him and said, ‘I haven’t really been fair with you because
you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you
will have no sex life.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ the golfer replied, ‘I’m Father O’Malley.’
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Top Ten Law Phrases That Sound Dirty, but Aren’t
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He’s one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
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TODAY’S CHUCKLE
If you don’t laugh at this one you need to lighten up!
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were
sitting there in the car Were they trying to steal it?
‘Heavens no, we bought it.’
‘Then why don’t you drive it away.’
We can’t drive.’
Then why did you buy it?’
‘We were told that if we bought a used car here we’d get screwed ..so
we’re just waiting.
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TODAY’S CHUCKLE
A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and
sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in
his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to the woman immediately and asks if
he can help her.
To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and
points to her left inner thigh-very high up. ‘Right here,’ she says,
‘I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word ‘Thanksgiving’ under it.’
Then she points to her right inner thigh-just as high up-and says,
‘On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and
tinsel, and an angel on top. And underneath the tree I want the
word “Christmas.”
The tattoo artist looks at her, puzzled. He says, ‘Lady, it’s none of
my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever
had. Why in the world would you want that?’
‘Well,’ the lady said, ‘I’m sick and tired of my husband always
complaining that there is never anything good to eat between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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The Vagina …
A housewife heard a knock at the door, and when she answered, a man asked her if she had a vagina. The woman slammed the door in disbelief at what the stranger had said. The following day the same thing happened, so she decided to tell her husband. The husband was outraged.
“Tomorrow I won’t go to work,” he said. “If the man returns and asks if you have a vagina, say yes, and I will be hiding behind the door.”
The next day the same man came again, and when the woman opened the door, he asked if she had a vagina. The woman replied, “Yes.”
“Good,” the man said. “Then would you please tell your husband to stop f@#king my wife.”
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Missing Husband
Rick was in trouble.He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, ‘Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!’
The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Happy, confused and curious, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new…. BATHROOM SCALE.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.
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The Wife
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
– “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to
me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!”
And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I
can tell you what happened.”
“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll
ever say to me!!
And the husband began –
“Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless
that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t
eaten for three days !
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you
wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor
thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while
she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes,
so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, But don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which
you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.
I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas
- the one that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those
boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don’t use because
someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued …
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please,
do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
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Salesman’s Delight
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old
son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’
asked John.
‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,’ said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely out of his chair.
‘Son,’ said John, ‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
you really were after school.’
‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’ said Tommy.
‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry
I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents.’
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that
nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ‘Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son!’
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her.
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Little Billy Joke
Little Billy and Kim are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to
Kim’s father to ask him for her hand. Billy bravely walks up to him
and says, ‘Mr. Yeager, me and Kim are in love and I want to ask you
for her hand in marriage.’
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Yeager replies,
‘Well Billy, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, ‘In
Kim’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Yeager says with a huge
grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a
job. You’ll need to support Kim.’
Again, Billy instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Kim makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and
that should do us just fine.’
By this time Mr. Yeager is a little shocked that Billy has put so
much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Billy won’t have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Yeager says, ‘Well Billy, it seems like you have
got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?’
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’
Mr. Yeager no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
C-Ya
Ken
http://www.sdplastics.com/kenhtml
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Woman’s Perfect Breakfast…Sex Joke
WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN’S REVENGE
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root ,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
“It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man,
“Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much ch eaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get out coffee.
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible it says that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ……… “HEBREWS”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .
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